Shaun was resetting his election doomsday clock (for just 5 months time), before he began updating us on the happenings since last season – mainly a new government. Rest assured the statue of Abbott was already on order from season 1. And to help with the government efficiency drive, the cast will assist Australia Post to sort the mail, the audience will complete Medicare forms and the left-over NBN asbestos will be stored in the studio – making us, the ABC viewer, feel better about how our taxpayer dollars are being wasted.
This week: No Flourish. No Embelishment.
It’s a catch up episode, with Shaun having ignored the news for twelve months – but that takes time and preparation. Justin Bieber invading the moon with China, Shaun winning an AACTA, and Schapelle resuming her holiday will have to wait – the big story is Asylum Seekers.
Scott Morrison won’t answer questions on the navy turning back the boats for “operational reasons”, so Shaun asked Vice Rear-Admiral Bobo Gargle (Francis) who couldn’t answer Shaun’s question on whether Shaun was actually speaking to him. Sarah Hansen Young says Scott Morrison is hiding behind the word “operation”, but Shaun showed footage of Scott standing in front of it, on a board at a press conference.
Spokeperson for immigration Rosemary Kipflers (Emily), won’t divulge what Operation Sovereign Borders is for “operational reasons”, and Lieutenant General Angus Campbell won’t comment on anything related to “on water matters”.
To comment on what other people are commenting on what’s not being commented on, specifically the straying of navy ships into Indonesian waters, Bobo Gargle joined Shaun from the Brisbane studio instead of the Mad As Hell one due to positional error. His explanation: “Water is what we in the navy refer to as wobbly”. He also claimed that if there was a “secrecy sandwich” as Bill Shorten claims, how would Bill know the ingredients?
Bobo was still hoping for an apology by the ABC over the navy cruelty scandal, and since Shaun failed to give one, he released The Kraken! But as Spicks and Specks wasn’t on yet, the Kraken went back into the cupboard.
We’ve apologized for our navy breaching Indonesian waters , which could happen to anyone, but they still drew a line in the sand over it. If Indonesia tows our boats back, then we tow theirs, eventually we’ll have a pontoon of boats for asylum seekers to walk to Australia.
The Government takes the breach seriously – the Navy “breached government policy”, a policy apparently against breaking international law. So when it comes to the accusation over the Navy personnel injuring asylum seekers, Tony Abbott asks: “who do you believe” – those who are attempting break Australian law, or those that have broken international law.
When asked if Indonesia was on a war footing with Australia, the Foreign Minister said “No, not really”. And on rival news parody Wake Up, our PM defended their secrecy “if we were at war, we wouldn’t be giving out information that is of use to the enemy.” But the customs department is also declaring it is at war over illegal drugs. Shaun asked Retired Field Marshal Wesley Pock, President of the Predictable Responses League (Stephen) if war rhetoric should be used for civilian matters like the postal service, but cut him off when he rambled on about water boarding postal employees.
Coming up: The $25m Royal Commission into the Homeowner Insulation Program, starring Kevin Rudd and Peter Garrett on APAC and a brand new series of Paper Giants: Trading Post, with Vince Colosimo as Kerry Packer on ABC2.
With an efficiency review in progress, Shaun thinks it is SBS who are really under the microscope. Malcolm Turnbull describes them as “lean and hungry”, but as Julius Caesar teaches us, the lean ones are the untrustworthy ones – likely to do away with Caesar/Abbott. Recently SBS even discovered “Reporters without Boarders”, such is their efficiency.
The ABC is also efficient, with Bill Shorten asking and answering his own questions in a recent interview, but the interview still has plenty of the usual ABC bias.
It’s clear Bill Shorten and Tony Abbott aren’t getting along, with Bill declaring Tony is too ideological to save SPC, whereas they could be like Labor and have no ideology. With all his Oxford education, Tony labelled Bill as “cocky” for saying Abbott would be a one term prime minister, holding back on saying: “better than Labor’s habit of a two prime minister term.”
In sport, Russia’s new gay-dar is watching over the Olympics, and Maggie Bathysphere (Emily) is still in the stadium at Sochi, but they can’t say much due to the secret police. Maggie had her eye on the story of a refugee who had been given a Visa simply because he was good at cricket, and thinks we should be checking all incoming boats for anyone who exhibits the same skills.
Putin has been trying to play down the anti-gay propaganda laws, saying that millions of Russian’s love Elton John, despite his orientation. Nikolai Orkic, president of the Australia Russian Alliance, agrees, saying that he doesn’t think any less (or more) about Elton due to his sexual preference – about 1 or 2 twice a week. Shaun offered Nikolai a DVD copy of Millionaire Hot Seat, the Interviews: “Nearly four hours of Eddie McGuire’s conversations with the contestants”, but Nikolai had disappeared.
Eric Abetz had been trying to help the workers of Toyota before the decision to end manufacturing, even selflessly wanting to set aside their enterprise bargaining agreement so the workers could directly vote on a management proposal. Draymella Burt (Emily) from Mr Abetz’s office sympathised on the situation, but said business had to run without interference from big government: “we can lead the horse to water, but it’s up to them if they sink or swim.” Tantamount Scrillo (Stephen), quisling and chef in the Toyota executive boardroom “guesses” they care about the workers. Draymella continued: “workers need to stand on their own two knees. Competition means a healthy market. Without it, we’d still be eating tariff protected bananas.”
On a final note, bias is in the eye of the beholder. So Shaun left us with a “where are they now” of ex-Labor front benchers, including former resources minister Martin Ferguson, who now manages a road house near Dapto.