Author: Stuart

Gerry Bowdang was certainly interested in the prospect of child sponsorship; $39 a month seemed quite reasonable. But he was keen to maximise his exposure, and wanted the child to wear the ‘Gerry Bowdang Accountants’ t-shirt and cap for his side of the sponsorship. The agency worker had to be excused… so she could turn on the gas – the whole thing had made her as mad as hell!

This week’s episode was brought to you by the National Disability Insurance Scheme, except in the states who still hadn’t agreed on it.

Shaun, like most Australian’s, compensates for his feeling of cultural inferiority by over stressing the importance of sport – he loves it, and the Olympics. It burns him up that the female basketball team had to travel premium economy, while the men travelled business, so he put it to AOC liason officer Trent Breen (Tosh), who agreed. As Trent was treated to champagne and duck curry, he elaborated on how sport had no class system, and if he watched female sports he wouldn’t care which sex they were. Su Thrivingly, a former Chef de Mission, also agreed, saying that how athletes are treated should be based on how proud we feel about them; nothing else. Su herself was treated to water and an apple, at a cost of $9. And a female flag bearer would be great, assuming she was of flag bearing age.

Later, Shaun will talk to 7th place Tour de France getter Cadel Evans, who has returned home in a crate, and British Open (loser) Adam Scott, who is just wrapped like a parcel.

Like many others, Shaun received a text message blackmailing him for money on the threat of death – but in his case, it was just from Josh Thomas.

Tony Abbott has interrupted his national hairnet tour to visit the US and China, because he wants to be seen in the company of other world leaders. ie. product placement. US Vice President Joe Biden referred to Abbott as Prime Minister, although his gaff record is pretty high. But Abbott seemed Prime Ministerial, as he criticised our defence spending and then pretended to be best friends with both the US *and* China. Tosca Le Roux, who is embedded with Abbott, thinks he is just getting excited, playing to the crowd. She doesn’t think being embedded compromises her independence, and before she could make her one complaint about Chinese press freedoms… the link was cut.

With the UK police, army and striking border control workers distracted by the Olympics, it occurs to Shaun that it would be a great opportunity for Julian Assange to escape the Ecuadorian embassy. Xanthe (Roz) spoke to Carrington Mews (Francis), former ASIO agent, who had a model (of a plane), but also a plan for Julian to escape underground into Harrods, possibly in(to) women’s underwear.

But Julian’s not the only one travelling to a small country in South America – Médecins Sans Qualifications is a small group working in Columbia, with a team of three who have no idea about what they are doing. Even their misplaced over enthusiasm can’t save the people who they ‘extract’ from the nearby hospitals.

To the Top of the Vox Pops (“Are Height Loss Centres a good idea?), where reading about print proves that it isn’t dead, Lionel revealed his password is password, and Guido Hatzis admitted to being responsible for the latest glacier separation.

Union Leader Tony Sheldon has threatened to withdraw political donations to Labor if they dump Julia Gillard before the next election, but spokesman Steve McCloud quite calmly advised that he didn’t hear a threat at all, and neither did Shaun. Julia was merely their preference – Steve didn’t believe anyone was doing any bullying, and any “over-educated, snow-topped TV nancy boy” should be careful what they say, unless he wants to be “filled in” at a concrete pour.

In the latest ABC Shop ad, the staff are undertrained, inexperienced and underqualified – but suggest that customers shop online instead, where it’s cheaper, and you’re out of a job.

Wayne Swan’s impersonator was unavailable to discuss the latest poll figures for Labor or Julia Gillard’s leadership, so Shaun spoke to chief of staff Brian Gorman impersonator Allan Goldsby (Francis), who refuted all speculation on a leadership change, pointing to the source of the speculation as the media itself – they only deny it because the media speculates it. Mr Goldsby also does a good Milo Kerrigan impersonation, and Shaun admitted it was quite accurate.

Later, in a finance report, Shaun will find out that the reason Jack Cowen got a seat on the Fairfax board to represent Gina Rinehart – as he owns so many fast food outlets, it’s more of a customer loyalty thing.

If laughter makes the world go round, Mad As Hell is going to aid that rotation with a new segment – “Prankz”. Veronica and Tosh (both with university degrees, so this counts as satire), kidnapped Wayne Swan while dressed as coins, taking him for a ride like he has the economy, then dropping him out of a plane, so he can feel what it’s like for the Australian dollar to drop below parity. Even after Swan ended up in the hospital, they blocked up all the toilets so he had to walk to the porta-loo in the carpark… then blew it up with a rocket launcher. That was the final straw, as all the hospital staff chased them off into the distance.

It was over to Maggie again at the commentary box, and even after 2 and 1/2 months of preparation, they were going to skip the Olympics opening ceremony to catch a West End show. Especially since the BMX demonstration was dropped from the ceremony, and Maggie is certainly a fan. But why drop 30 minutes when you could start 30 minutes earlier? The Duke of Kent interrupted, and no more sense could be made.

Luckily we had Bill and his wisdom to reflect on Olympic history, although he forgot Melbourne ever held the games before Sydney in 2000. Back in those days, Bill recalls a fear of the unknown, and foreigners arriving in big metal birds frightened us. He also remembers rounding up the vagrants and shooting stray dogs, but not much else. But he did have Dawn Fraser, or more accurately Matt Welsh, staying with him in the spare room.

Shaun has certainly enjoyed doing Mad As Hell, but rather than speak for the rest of the cast – he’ll sing about it! And we were treated to a performance of The Look of Love.

Thank you indeed Verity.

On a pleasant day, as a group of girls played in a park, a well dressed man sat on the park bench singing about the joy of little girls to the mother next to him. As the police arrived and he was dragged away, he was heard to yell “I’m as Mad As Hell!”

Congratulations to Brisbane, who won the rights to host the 2014 G20 Summit, but Shaun wasn’t happy with the way they won it – with attack ads on rival Sydney. But Sydney ran their own, pointing out that Josh Thomas was from Brisbane – “enough said.”  But Josh was in the audience, and took great offence, running out of the studio. “There goes the [TAYG] reunion special.”

Shaun reminded us we’re all going to die – from the inside. We’re fat, stupid and insufficiently insured. It makes him Mad As Health, so who can we blame? Dr Enrico Krull (Francis) thinks that physical science should help medical science, by having doctors use the Higgs-Boson to travel back in time to stop the patient from ever contracting the disease, which would free up the original appointment, saving them time and reducing waiting lists. Eventually, the diseases will be eradicated and governments could have a reason to close hospitals. But Dr Krull isn’t worried about losing his job – he’s a plastic surgeon, and there’s no cure for vanity.

But what about obesity? Without being prompted, Dr Krull offered to lipo-suction Shaun’s fat to his lips. But on the issue of child obesity, Leigh Sales thought it appropriate to bring the topic up on 730 and then close with an interview with Clive Palmer. Sociologist Marie Spoons (Roz), thinks it’s OK for obese parents to raise obese children, because they’re stupid, but skinny parents who raise obese children need to be put in prison with cages of rats on their head.

2UE Road Rage presenter Marty Scrote (Tosh) is against the idea of attacks on junk food. He’s also against a tax too, it’s the fault of the parents, not the sponsors of his show. Marie agrees – a 2L big slam of Pepsi Max is fine for a child, in moderation, but couple it with a jumbo bucket of popcorn chicken and then drop them at a screening of The Human Centipede – “is border-line child neglect.”

But is having unqualified people overreacting to the problem with opinion blunting the message? Cloris Webbler, Friends of the ABC secretary thinks that the sooner these people realise that not have having a proper perspective is causing more obesity, the sooner we can punish them with weapons and acid.

Our health care is in crisis, but before Shaun could throw to Xanthe, he caught Dr Krull lipo-suctioning his fat out of his hips – “That’s my personal private fat!”

It was a new Xanthe Kalamazoo (Emily) who threw to a report by Paula Mildrew (Veronica) on the lack of sufficient beds in hospitals, leaving patients to be stranded in corridors. The latest development is the creation of Multistory Corridors, to be built next to overcrowded hospitals. Each corridor can sleep up to 144 in an entire building, and even more if the floors are removed and patients are just tipped in.

As Paula signed off, Mrs Kalamazoo was given bad news about her husband by the doctor – and she was requested to give the consent to switch off the life support. There were patients in desperate need for his… bed. It was actually a hospital administrator dressed as a doctor, and although they could administer treatment, the hospital’s figures would look better if they treated more lucrative patients.

Shaun acknowledged that last report had become more of a sketch, full of actors pretending to be real people. But if the “success” of The Shire has shown anything, it’s that we “want to know what real people pretending to be actors think.” And on The Top of the Vox Pops, Nobby would choose China as a superpower, and Lionel thinks that fat orphans debunks the theory that obesity is child abuse.

With London calling (and reversing the charges) for the Olympics, Gay March was back to talk all things British. Before the Olympic torch arrived, the city hadn’t seen a display of combustible energy since the London riots. G4S has security in order, hiring the unemployed and marginalised, while the army is in charge of parking and tourist information. And Mayor Boris Johnson is pleased with the new watertank, which will dilute the beer more than it already is. Gay invited Shaun down the pub to watch it while drinking lashing of warm tea, but he insisted he can’t make it.

In the latest Worksafe ad, protection from losing your arm from a button injury doesn’t apply when you’re an unpaid family member. At the ABC Shop, come in now and buy something so you’ll have a distraction at Christmas if you become redundant. And anything with Stephen Fry’s face on it is walking out the door!

Teachers with inappropriate relationships with their students is becoming far too common, and reporter Kate Moss has a disturbing story on a Queensland teacher, which is both disturbing and a story, and needed to be recorded. But it was up to Shaun to actually take the tape up to the control room and put it on to play. “Darren” began a sexual relationship with a woman his own age, who is not currently a student. He’s worried if she enrols as a student, he’ll lose her to another teacher.

Sky News had to be applauded again, this time for their coverage of the Coles industrial dispute. In their story, they covered the savings customers could make by shopping at Coles – up to $450 a year. Not to be outdone, Shaun interview Brains O’Donnell from Woolworths, who have matched the 100 staff Coles have stood down, by retrenching 101 staff. And they will save you $451 dollars a year.

Shaun crossed over to Maggie at the London Olympics, but all they could see from their commentary box was the carpark. As they watched, two men in balaclavas “serviced” a van, and it exploded soon afterwards – the hospitality you could expect at the games. On the subject of Lauren Mark, she’s been photographed for Zoo in her bikini (“oh bloody hell” said Maggie), but it was different to the Kendrick Monk and Nick Darcy incident because they were swimmers posing with guns, and she’s a shooter posing in her swimmers. Sadly for Maggie, Lauren doesn’t shoot dressed in her bikini.

On the subject of sport and homosexuality, the Gay games are on soon and Buddy Le’mere was meant to pre-record a piece on the Australian table tennis team, and had to climb through the escape window after thinking it was an interview. Out of the five member team, only 2 are eligible for the gay “points” – Latoya who is a bisexual and Paris, who is so camp he is worth 45 points. But when Paris announces he wants to have gender reassignment and marry Steve Vizard, there is a crisis. To salvage their points, Paris will have an affair with Latoya, who will become exclusively lesbian. After the story, Buddy was still sitting at the desk with Shaun, prompting him to comment “the continuity on this show is appalling.”

Are solar flares back in fashion? We won’t know, because the show ran out of time, but Shaun did ponder on how it would have been a lot more fun if the CFMEU called itself the FUCME.

It was a tense discussion between an AIS official and a sports agent, as they argued about re-instating a former drug cheat back into the competition. The agent begged for his client to be heard, and when the official relented, in walked – a race horse. While the official didn’t believe the authenticity of the hand written note (“he’s got hooves”), he did suspend the ban, but the whole incident made him… as mad as hell!

Before Shaun could even start, Roz crashed her scooter into the set. And both Tony Abbott and Cambell Newman have had similar incidents, as had a whole list of politicians. Both Abbott and Gillard have been campaigning for and against the carbon tax recently, but also showing off their skills – Abbott assembled a wheelie bin to store asylum seekers. His logic to turn around the boats – “it was done in the past, it can be done in the future” – didn’t work for Young Talent Time.

Bobo Gargle, Rear P(r)etty Officer with the Navy, says he doesn’t have the powers of King Neptune to command the sea and turn around the boats, nor does he have a Kraken. In his opinion, it’s about perception – Christmas Island should be renamed to something less fun. Shove Tuesday would still be too nice, so Shaun suggested “Boxing Day Island”, the day we usually return presents. Shaun made the point that most illegal immigrants come via plane and overstay their Visas, but the petty officer said it was a can of worms to shoot down aircraft on the possibility there was someone on board who might overstay their visa.

It comes down to ASIO not having have enough staff to complete the security checks, but there is controversy in how their counter-latest terrorism operations are run – Grace Jones filed the story.. right down. She interviewed “Ferdinand St Monstermash” (not his real name) about some of the operations ASIO was doing – involving hiding listening devices on animals and spamming mobiles to detonate bombs, including explosive underpants hanging on a washing line.

On the subject of bombshells, Shaun checked in with Consuela Manatee who is back in London at the Ecuadorian embassy where Julian Assange is staying. She revealed he is a bad house guest, leaving his towels around, always on the phone and using all the Internet bandwidth to Google himself.

So Julian is a hero for hacking into private emails, but Rupert Murdoch is a pariah for hacking into mobile phones – it’s hypocrasy! Murdoch has hacked News Corp into two arms, but keeps a foot in both arms. Shaun spoke to media analyst Hermione Vibes, who says The News of The World was a disaster for Rupert, but so is The Sun – the newspaper, not the son, James. Nor the Sun at the cente of the solar system. Shaun warns against ever looking directly at it, and Herminoe agreed – “it’s a fucking terrible newspaper”.

Back at Murdoch’s Antipodean newspapers, there are cracks beginning to show, as their involvement in the Peter Slipper saga has become more about creating the news than reporting it. Time and Tide Correspondent Mathius Grogan, thinks the story has a lot in common with Watergate, even though the reporters in that incident worked after the event, while Steve Lewis reported on it during the event. The only common part was the concealment – notably Christopher Pyne concealing his blemishes.

Murdoch’s new paywalls may need some spak-filler, as a new Xanthe Kalamazoo reports. The editor of the Herald Sun, Simon Pristol has resigned, and announced his recognisition the only way he knew how – by a paper delivery round. And Fairfax is strugling too, with a few recent resignations. Xanthe interviewed a couple, Lionel (Stephen Hall) and Betty (Emily) Bronte, who sell ink cartridges. But Lionel makes his own ink from the 2000-3000 squid he owns, and if their business has to close, Betty’s going to turn them into calamari.

Back at the desk, Shaun and the Petty Officer re-enacted a scene for Clash of the Titans (!?) – “Brother, it is time for the mortals to pay. My child awaits your will.” “Release the Kraken!” Michael Ward appeared at the Kraken.

At the ABC Shop, there are a great range of tie-ins with popular ABC shows, including a 4 Corners Snow Dome and 320 gram pack of David Stratton beard trimmings. They need something to show the senate estimates committee!

Roz arrived on scooter with some breaking news, missing Tasmanian man Albert Duckworth has been located – in exactly the same pose as the police mannequin which had been setup for search for him. Roz won’t have any futher news on this.

A famous marriage was announced over this week, it was fun to watch, but seemed a bit wierd. It’s always going be hard when one party is more popular, has the power, and is part of a extremist cult. But was it Katie and Tom or The Greens and Labor?

It’s all about alligence, and even the Girl Guides have removed theirs to the queen and god. Josie Twinge reported on how it’s upset usually conservative monarchists, who have resorted to drive-bys on guide halls. Josie spoke to two guides in favour of the change – one who is a republican, the other who is a satanist. If Lord Baden Powell were alive today, he’d be alarmed at his state of decomposition.

Top of the Vox Pops this week: Should we put a cap on petrol tanks? One woman was upset that South Korea wanted to decimate the whale population – that was Japan’s job. And Nobby wouldn’t be poor if you paid him a million dollars.

Still on the countdown to the Olympics, Shaun spoke to Maggie Bathysphere again in the ABC sports commentary box. There’s been no interest in Wimbledon, since all the Australian’s are out, and all the information on the Tour de France comes via Maggie’s sister.

But the biggest news on the Olympics comes from a spat between two equestrian champions over the issue of preferential treatment in the qualification. What started as a pleasant conversation with Myfanwy, turned into an argument, and then a full scale fight right on the desk!

On the 43rd anniversary of man landing on the moon, Francis again spoke to William Duthie to get the Wisdom of the Elders. Bill had worked at the radio telescope in Parkes, but was surprised we as Australians had the ability to build a radio telescope, or even turn it on. He was more in-awe of the Americans. He advised on the movie The Dish – advised them not to make it, as the Americans looked not as ‘god like’ as they really were. Bill wishes he’d been born American, and had once even received an letter from Buzz Aldrin….’s solicitors.

Finally, what have we learnt from the faux electioneering of Gillard and Abbott? Abbott certainly has tried everything, from calming rodents, collecting wool, identifying the ground John Howard has walked on from the smell, and almost keeping his tongue in while sewing. While the Prime Minister has been meeting children… and meeting children.