Segments are listed by X.Y where X is the episode number and Y is the (unofficial) segment number in the show; b indicates bonus content on the DVD. Use the column sorters to view the order by original TV airing or the expurgated DVD.
| TV | DVD | Segment |
|---|---|---|
| 01.01 | 1.02 | A look back at all the moments so far |
| 01.02 | 1.03 | Variety isn’t dead |
| 01.03 | 1.04 | Topical monologue: Peter Hollingworth, Rene Rivkin going to jail, SARS |
| 01.04 | — | The Channel 9 Nine: Jimmy Hendrix, Ray Coniff (and his singers), Mozart, Michael Hutchience, Dizzy Gillespe, Liberace, Louie Armstrong, Colleen Hewett and Count Basey |
| 01.05 | 1.05 | The 10.90 Chicken Parmigiana |
| 01.06 | — | Mother’s Day cards |
| 01.07 | 1.06 | ‘My First Day’ |
| 01.08 | 1.07 | Livinia from the top of the Rialto |
| 01.09 | 1.08 | Barry Humphries interview |
| 01.10 | 1.09 | Sigrid Thornton mixes the cue-cards |
| 01.11 | 1.10 | French High Speed Train Awareness |
| 01.12 | 1.11 | Kath and Kim interview |
| 01.13 | — | In Case You’re Missing Sex in the City |
| 01.14 | 2.11 | Jamie Durie – who didn’t stay, because Shaun covered everything in the introduction |
| 01.15 | 2.12 | Shaun on his High Horse: Lord of the Rings Bungee Ball, ‘What About Me?’, Panadol Rapid, ‘After Midnight’ |
| 01.16 | — | Dannii Minogue performs |
| 01.17 | 1.01 | (during which Shaun is seen watching ‘Enough Rope’) |
| 01.18 | 1.12 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Original Darrods Wheel |
| 01.19 | 1.13 | (Shaun has a moral objection to endorsing products, but it’s in Pete’s contract.) |
| 01.20 | 1.14 | Tomorrow is Typewriter Awareness Day, so please, buy a ribbon. |
| 01.21 | 1.15 | Credits: ‘Poison Arrow’ from Shaun’s 1983 appearance on ‘Hey, That’s My Leg’ |
| 02.01 | — | Has success got to Shaun Micallef? |
| 02.02 | — | Topical monologue: TOFOG, Crean Labour Government |
| 02.03 | — | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Dr Peter Hollingworth joins |
| 02.04 | — | Phoebe Grindell (Robyn Butler), backing singer |
| 02.05 | 1b.1 | Dick Smith vs Arnotts |
| 02.06 | 1b.2 | Stolen Mailbag |
| 02.07 | 1b.3 | What If? using computer graphics |
| 02.08 | — | Gerard Depardieu (commercial break interview) |
| 02.09 | — | Hostage situation in Kew, Francis reports from the scene |
| 02.10 | — | Gary Sweet interview |
| 02.11 | 1b.4 | Jack Harmon, camera operator “retiring” |
| 02.12 | — | Bridie Carter interview |
| 02.13 | — | Shakaya interview |
| 02.14 | — | Burying a body |
| 02.15 | — | Shakaya performs (with the Amazing Ron in-screen) |
| 02.16 | 1b.5 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Bobbing for Apples |
| 02.17 | — | Run out of Oregano |
| 02.18 | — | Rainfall figures |
| 02.19 | — | Credits: Beautiful Sunday performed by James Peggler |
| 03.01 | 2.01 | Getting some things out of the way |
| 03.02 | 2.02 | Topical monologue: Governor-General, George Bush visit, Pavarotti |
| 03.03 | 2.03 | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Dizzy Gillespe is out with the mange, replaced with Adam West |
| 03.04 | 2.04 | James Morrison also joins the 9 Nine |
| 03.05 | 2.05 | NASA and the Aussie Spiders |
| 03.06 | 2.06 | Modern Art: fish in a blender |
| 03.07 | 2.07 | Bringing Home Woody’s Shirts |
| 03.08 | 2.08 | Alan Jones on the Today Show |
| 03.09 | 2.09 | Chronic Fatigue Dancers |
| 03.10 | 2.10 | Shane Warne interview |
| 03.11 | 2b.3 | Francis arranges an outing |
| 03.12 | — | Alison Whyte interview |
| 03.13 | — | David Campbell interview |
| 03.14 | 8.13 | Shaun on his High Horse: Beards of Bees, Fake Vomit, mis-spelling Tonight, ‘Addicted to Love’ |
| 03.15 | 8.14 | Wake up you old fools! |
| 03.16 | — | David Campbell performs |
| 03.17 | 5.10 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Original Darrods Wheel |
| 03.18 | 5.11 | A Quick Look at Tomorrow’s Headlines |
| 03.19 | 5.12 | Credits: Francis performs Piano Man on guitar |
| 04.01 | — | Show has already started |
| 04.02 | — | Special Time of 9:40 |
| 04.03 | — | Topical monologue: Qantas Flight 1737, Michael Jackson facing bankruptcy, Simon Creen demanding 4 year parliamentary terms |
| 04.04 | 2b.1 | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Adam West is out with gastro, José Feliciano is in – for real |
| 04.05 | — | What’s Happening In Tasmania while Guy Green is away |
| 04.06 | — | Alternative Harry Potter Titles |
| 04.07 | 2b.2 | Alan Jones on the Today Show last month |
| 04.08 | — | Livinia Nixon at the 7:15pm Session of The Matrix Reloaded |
| 04.09 | — | Jimeoin interview |
| 04.10 | 4b.1 | Richmond High School stolen PCs |
| 04.11 | 4b.2 | Melissa George interview… interrupted |
| 04.12 | — | Erik Thompson interview |
| 04.13 | 4b.3 | Back to Melissa George |
| 04.14 | 5.09 | Tim Freedman fills in for Leann Rimes |
| 04.15 | — | Merle from the Canteen resigns |
| 04.16 | 2.13 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Daryl-In-The-Barrel |
| 04.17 | 2.14 | Bottom right-hand corner of page 43 of tomorrow’s papers |
| 04.18 | 2.15 | Credits: Shaun and Francis perform “In Between Days” from their 1986 appearance on Pot-of-Zinc |
| 05.01 | 6.01 | Queen’s Birthday joke (not applicable in WA) |
| 05.02 | 6.02 | Topical monologue: Rene Rivkin, Russell Crowe, SARS |
| 05.03 | — | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Colleen Hewett is out with the bubonic plague, replaced with a recess monkey |
| 05.04 | 6.03 | Nokia 8250 plays Bach’s Toccata |
| 05.05 | 6.04 | Kasparov beats Micallef in Mastermind |
| 05.06 | 6.05 | Peter Costello’s Happiest Days and John Howard’s message to the Queen |
| 05.07 | 6.06 | Kasparov beats Micallef in Connect 4 |
| 05.08 | 3b.1 | Consumer Power …Tips – Bathroom Mould |
| 05.09 | — | Judith Lucy interview |
| 05.10 | — | Kerri-Anne Kennerley holds the cue cards |
| 05.11 | — | Alan Jones on the Today Show last year |
| 05.12 | — | Shaun’s reaction to The Matrix |
| 05.13 | — | Matt Welsh interview |
| 05.14 | — | Warren and Gavin interview |
| 05.15 | 3.08 | Percy Sledge interview |
| 05.16 | 3.09 | Shaun on his High Horse: Tic Tocs, Toilet paper and dogs,’We Built This City’, Minced Garlic |
| 05.17 | — | Percy Sledge performs |
| 05.18 | 3b.2 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Bobbing for Apples |
| 05.19 | 8.16 | Quick look at the Aussie dollar |
| 05.20 | 8.17 | Credits: Francis and Shaun in a Yes tribute band, Bjorn Again, perform “Owner of a Lonely Heart” |
| 06.01 | 3.01 | Topical Monologue: Gregory Peck, Labor Leadership, The Matrix Reloaded |
| 06.02 | — | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Liberace is out (his mum is doing a roast), replaced with the Olsen Twins and Alan Rickman |
| 06.03 | 3.02 | MacRobinson Girls High School perform “I’m an Individual” by Mark Jackson |
| 06.04 | 3.03 | Hillary Clinton’s autobiography read by Billy Connolly |
| 06.05 | 3.04 | “What-if”: Russell Crowes’ child, Sale of the Century new host, Kiefer Sutherland |
| 06.06 | — | North Korea report coming up on Nightline |
| 06.07 | 3.05 | Consumer Power …Tips – Laundry Detergents |
| 06.08 | 3.06 | Delta Goodrem interview |
| 06.09 | 3.07 | Shaun, Francis and Merle perform Innocent Eyes |
| 06.10 | 6.07 | Kasparov beats Micallef in Hide-and-Seek |
| 06.11 | 6.08 | Ben Elton interview |
| 06.12 | 6.09 | Bring Home Bradman’s cap appeal |
| 06.13 | — | George Gregan interview |
| 06.14 | — | On-field microphones at the AFL |
| 06.15 | — | Delta Goodrem performs |
| 06.16 | 3.10 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Darrods Wheel |
| 06.17 | 3.11 | A quick look at the weather tomorrow |
| 06.18 | 3.12 | Credits: The Astounding Colour Ballet |
| 07.01 | 4.01 | Opening song sung by Rhonda Burchmore |
| 07.02 | 4.02 | Topical Monologue: Winter solstice, Harry Potter, Prince William’s birthday, Kerry Packer |
| 07.03 | — | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Rhonda came with the Piano |
| 07.04 | 4.03 | Opening Act: Peas, Carrots and Gravy from the 10.90 Chicken Parmigiana |
| 07.05 | 4.04 | Francis recommends Rhonda’s CD highly |
| 07.06 | 4.05 | National Eye Test |
| 07.07 | 4.06 | The new Financial Year Tax Calendar |
| 07.08 | 4.07 | Pete Smith’s 14,600th Day |
| 07.09 | 4.08 | Guest Audition Tapes |
| 07.10 | 4.09 | Caroline Craig interview |
| 07.11 | 4.10 | Bring Home Merv’s Jocks |
| 07.12 | — | Here’s Humphrey |
| 07.13 | — | Kasparov beats Micallef in Tennis |
| 07.14 | — | John McEnroe interview |
| 07.15 | — | Amiel interview |
| 07.16 | 4.11 | Shaun on his High Horse: Thermos desk organiser, mouse ears, ‘Why Can’t This Be Love’, Almonds |
| 07.17 | — | Amiel performs (forgetting to add the word ‘dolphinarium’) |
| 07.18 | 4.12 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: The Numbers are Right! |
| 07.19 | 4.13 | A quick look at what people will be fist fighting about in bars this week |
| 07.20 | 4.14 | Credits: Shaun performing on Where Were They Then in 1982, as Christopher Walken performing David Bowie’s Fashion. |
| 08.01 | 5.01 | Here’s the presenter: Bert Newton |
| 08.02 | 5.02 | Topical Monologue: FIFA scandal, sorry for swearing last week, media ownership, Dennis Thatcher |
| 08.03 | — | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Mozart and Ray Coniff are out with parvo, replaced by Marine Boy and owner of the name “Little River Band” Stephen Housden (both on triangle) |
| 08.04 | 5.03 | Sonia and Little Sonia perform the “Theme from The Love Boat” |
| 08.05 | 5.04 | The Credible Hulk |
| 08.06 | 5.05 | Women’s Tennis grunting |
| 08.07 | 5.06 | Donald Bradman’s Hat & Warnie’s A Sample |
| 08.08 | 5.07 | Commonwealth Games clocks: Livinia reports |
| 08.09 | 5.08 | Dave Hughes interview |
| 08.10 | — | “Who the freak first thought of that?” |
| 08.11 | — | Anthony LaPaglia interview |
| 08.12 | 4b.5 | “What if Francis’ knee was Polish?” |
| 08.13 | — | Birtles Shorrock Goble interview |
| 08.14 | 5b.1 | Fast Money |
| 08.15 | — | Birtles Shorrock Goble perform (with a 10 second pause) |
| 08.16 | — | Coffee Luwak experiment |
| 08.17 | — | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Daryl In A Barrel |
| 08.18 | — | Talking around the Water Cooler tomorrow |
| 08.19 | — | Credits: Jackie Love sings “We’re Not Going to Take It” |
| 09.01 | 6b.1 | Topical Monologue: Film festivals, boat arrivals, heroic Qantas staff, John Howard’s daughter’s engagement |
| 09.02 | — | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: The entire brass section is out with a dislocated knee, replaced by Shemp (from The Three Stooges) and Rebecca De Mornay |
| 09.03 | — | Act: Them (school girl skipping rope song) |
| 09.04 | 5b.2 | Changes to Vegemite |
| 09.05 | — | School holiday fun for detention centre children |
| 09.06 | 6b.2 | Behind the scenes on A Current Affair |
| 09.07 | — | Emily Stote, the A Current Affair dancer |
| 09.08 | — | Livinia Nixon at the tribunal |
| 09.09 | — | Marcus Graham interview |
| 09.10 | — | Nicole Livingstone interview |
| 09.11 | — | Craig David interview via satellite |
| 09.12 | — | David Bridie interview |
| 09.13 | 6.10 | Shaun on his High Horse: greeting cards, the letter ‘H’, ‘Smooth Operator’, hair regrowth advertising |
| 09.14 | — | David Bridie performs (with provided dancers) |
| 09.15 | 6.11 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Bobbing for Apples |
| 09.16 | 6.12 | Discussion around the water cooler |
| 09.17 | 6.13 | Credits: Francis, Shaun and Livinia in their INXS tribute band, INXSable, perform “Need You Tonight” from their 1984 appearance on Horrie Dargie & His Quartet Explodes! |
| 10.01 | — | Francis’ monument to Bastille Day |
| 10.02 | — | Topical Monologue: Qantas aircraft grounded, Uniting Church allowing homosexuals, nuclear waste at Woomera, possible actors strike |
| 10.03 | — | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Luis Armstrong out with St Vitus Dance, replaced on recorder with an identikit of Val Kilmer, Leann Rimes and Saddam Hussein |
| 10.04 | 3b.3 | Rob Hurst’s solo performance |
| 10.05 | 3b.4 | Chopper Reid’s art show |
| 10.06 | 3b.5 | Exercise Bike Tour-de-France |
| 10.07 | 3b.6 | Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Contestants / Soylent Green |
| 10.08 | 3b.7 | Shrieking Audio Books |
| 10.09 | — | Ken Park movie censorship |
| 10.10 | — | New talent: free-form marching |
| 10.11 | — | Francis sings Lovin’ You |
| 10.12 | 7b.1 | Consumer Power Tips: Busy lives |
| 10.13 | — | Blair McDonough interview |
| 10.14 | — | Judith Lucy, Bob Franklin, Mick Molloy interview |
| 10.15 | — | Amity Dry interview (with a question from Francis’ knee) |
| 10.16 | 4b.4 | Stolen Mailbag: Wedding Gazebo |
| 10.17 | — | Amity Dry performs |
| 10.18 | 6b.3 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Don’s Wheel |
| 10.19 | 7.14 | Discussion at the workplace without a watercooler |
| 10.20 | 7.15 | Credits: Hitler and Göring perform Chinese Laundry Blues, from their 1929 appearance on In Melbourne Tonight |
| 11.01 | 7.01 | Simon plays the piano introduction |
| 11.02 | 7.02 | Shaun has torn knee cartilage from recording a sketch |
| 11.03 | 7.03 | Topical monologue: pirating music, Pauline Hanson on trial, seizure of $200m of heroin, Rene Rivkin, Cathy Freeman’s retirement |
| 11.04 | 7.04 | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: everyone couldn’t make it because they forgot, so are replaced by Dave Graney, Clare Moore and the Bad Eggs Orchestra |
| 11.05 | 7.05 | Daryl and Harriet Spunken and their death defying knife act |
| 11.06 | 7.06 | Stump the Classical Pianist (with Simon Tedeschi) |
| 11.07 | 7.07 | Diana, Princess of Wales figurine by Franklin Mint (with accessories) |
| 11.08 | 7.08 | Tribute to the career of Cathy Freeman |
| 11.09 | — | Dave Graney semi-interview |
| 11.10 | — | The new faces of Chanel & Michael Jackson |
| 11.11 | — | Todd Woodbridge interview |
| 11.12 | — | Seann William Scott interview |
| 11.13 | 7.09 | Shaun gets a card from The Footy Show |
| 11.14 | 7.10 | Michael McKean interview |
| 11.15 | 7.11 | Brian from Placebo interview |
| 11.16 | 7.12 | Shaun on his High (Low) Horse: Nurofen for children, antfarms, Men without Hats, Perisher Blue |
| 11.17 | — | Placebo perform |
| 11.18 | 7.13 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: The Numbers Are Right |
| 11.19 | — | Discussion at the workplace around the water heater |
| 11.20 | — | Credits: Izzi Dye performing All Shook Up |
| 12.01 | — | Shaun wasn’t joking about his knee injury |
| 12.02 | — | Topical monologue: John Howard’s birthday, 2003 World Aquatic Championships, Tour de France drug taking, retirement of horse ‘Northerly’, Big Kev, death of Uday and Qusay Hussein, ABS figures are out |
| 12.03 | — | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Michael Hutchence is out with the dropsy, replaced by Reggie from Big Brother, David Guest and Jerry Lewis |
| 12.04 | — | Deb Madigan welds to ‘What a Feeling!’ |
| 12.05 | — | Unmanned spy planes |
| 12.06 | — | Bobby Chocolini from Soccer Australia press conference |
| 12.07 | — | Elephant man |
| 12.08 | — | Private Jessica Lynch’s audio book |
| 12.09 | — | Cruelty to chickens |
| 12.10 | — | Tribute to Uday and Qusay Hussein |
| 12.11 | — | Second attempt at the Soccer Australia press conference |
| 12.12 | — | Consumer Power Tips: Crumpets |
| 12.13 | — | Tony Martin interview (with Matt Welsh calling in) |
| 12.14 | 8b.2 | Surprise Dwarf |
| 12.15 | — | Clive James interview |
| 12.16 | — | Sarah from The Superjesus interview |
| 12.17 | — | Last attempt at the Soccer Australia press conference |
| 12.18 | 7b.2 | Plain Clothes Fire Fighters |
| 12.19 | — | The Superjesus perform (forgetting to say “banana lounge”) |
| 12.20 | — | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Bobbing for Apples |
| 12.21 | — | Stock Market review |
| 12.22 | — | Credits: Francis, Shaun and Livinia doing a tribute to Paul McCartney on Horrie Dargie & His Quartet Explodes! |
| 13.01 | 8.02 | Shaun performs a couple of magic tricks |
| 13.02 | 8.03 | Topical monologue: Saddam Hussein, Amrose’s song, Little Pattie as ambassador of Meat and Livestock Australia, Note Printing Australia strike, the cause of bedwetting, the VM beetle |
| 13.03 | 8.04 | Francis & The Channel 9 Nine: Francis is in his passive smoking jacket |
| 13.04 | 8.05 | Julie Everett performs her accounting skills |
| 13.05 | 8.06 | John Howard vs. Mick Jagger |
| 13.06 | 8.07 | Red Symons: This is Your Life since Last Thursday |
| 13.07 | 8.08 | The jumping Spittle Bug (and comparisons) |
| 13.08 | 8.09 | Journey into Shaun’s arthroscopy |
| 13.09 | 8.10 | Spittle Bug record attempt |
| 13.10 | 8.01 | Francis’ plays “You Can’t Stop The Music” (but is stopped) |
| 13.11 | 8.11 | Ricky Martin interview |
| — | 8.12 | (with a break in transmission) |
| 13.12 | 8b.1 | Shaun calls Channel Nine to complain about Micallef Tonight |
| 13.13 | — | Dave O’Neil interview |
| 13.14 | — | Keith Urban interview |
| 13.15 | — | Ricky Martin performs |
| 13.16 | 8.15 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Leopady |
| 13.17 | — | The Dandy Warhols have turned up a week early |
| 13.18 | — | Credits: Marty Rhone performs Don’t Dance So Close To The Fire |
| Pilot | 5b.3 | Valentine’s Day cards |
| Pilot | P.01 | Thank you’s from other late night hosts |
| Pilot | P.02 | Jana Wendt’s Bulletin Board |
| Pilot | P.03 | Virgin Mary’s tour dates |
| Pilot | P.04 | Audience Partipa-Shaun: Find the House |
| Pilot | P.05 | Larry Emdur interview |
| Pilot | P.06 | Shaun on his High Horse: Coffee Luwak coffee |
| Pilot | P.07 | Coffee Luwak experiment |
| Pilot | P.08 | John Howard (puppet) interview (voiced by Tony Martin) |
| Pilot | P.09 | Counterfeit $50 notes |
| Pilot | P.10 | Kate Kendall interview |
| Pilot | P.11 | Bob Franklin interview |