Recap: Mad As Hell, July 13th 2012

Kate and Quentin decide to spice up their marriage with some fantasy role playing but there are red faces all around when they turn up at their rendezvous both dressed as Michelle Grattan.

It was a tense discussion between an AIS official and a sports agent, as they argued about re-instating a former drug cheat back into the competition. The agent begged for his client to be heard, and when the official relented, in walked – a race horse. While the official didn’t believe the authenticity of the hand written note (“he’s got hooves”), he did suspend the ban, but the whole incident made him… as mad as hell!

Before Shaun could even start, Roz crashed her scooter into the set. And both Tony Abbott and Cambell Newman have had similar incidents, as had a whole list of politicians. Both Abbott and Gillard have been campaigning for and against the carbon tax recently, but also showing off their skills – Abbott assembled a wheelie bin to store asylum seekers. His logic to turn around the boats – “it was done in the past, it can be done in the future” – didn’t work for Young Talent Time.

Bobo Gargle, Rear P(r)etty Officer with the Navy, says he doesn’t have the powers of King Neptune to command the sea and turn around the boats, nor does he have a Kraken. In his opinion, it’s about perception – Christmas Island should be renamed to something less fun. Shove Tuesday would still be too nice, so Shaun suggested “Boxing Day Island”, the day we usually return presents. Shaun made the point that most illegal immigrants come via plane and overstay their Visas, but the petty officer said it was a can of worms to shoot down aircraft on the possibility there was someone on board who might overstay their visa.

It comes down to ASIO not having have enough staff to complete the security checks, but there is controversy in how their counter-latest terrorism operations are run – Grace Jones filed the story.. right down. She interviewed “Ferdinand St Monstermash” (not his real name) about some of the operations ASIO was doing – involving hiding listening devices on animals and spamming mobiles to detonate bombs, including explosive underpants hanging on a washing line.

On the subject of bombshells, Shaun checked in with Consuela Manatee who is back in London at the Ecuadorian embassy where Julian Assange is staying. She revealed he is a bad house guest, leaving his towels around, always on the phone and using all the Internet bandwidth to Google himself.

So Julian is a hero for hacking into private emails, but Rupert Murdoch is a pariah for hacking into mobile phones – it’s hypocrasy! Murdoch has hacked News Corp into two arms, but keeps a foot in both arms. Shaun spoke to media analyst Hermione Vibes, who says The News of The World was a disaster for Rupert, but so is The Sun – the newspaper, not the son, James. Nor the Sun at the cente of the solar system. Shaun warns against ever looking directly at it, and Herminoe agreed – “it’s a fucking terrible newspaper”.

Back at Murdoch’s Antipodean newspapers, there are cracks beginning to show, as their involvement in the Peter Slipper saga has become more about creating the news than reporting it. Time and Tide Correspondent Mathius Grogan, thinks the story has a lot in common with Watergate, even though the reporters in that incident worked after the event, while Steve Lewis reported on it during the event. The only common part was the concealment – notably Christopher Pyne concealing his blemishes.

Murdoch’s new paywalls may need some spak-filler, as a new Xanthe Kalamazoo reports. The editor of the Herald Sun, Simon Pristol has resigned, and announced his recognisition the only way he knew how – by a paper delivery round. And Fairfax is strugling too, with a few recent resignations. Xanthe interviewed a couple, Lionel (Stephen Hall) and Betty (Emily) Bronte, who sell ink cartridges. But Lionel makes his own ink from the 2000-3000 squid he owns, and if their business has to close, Betty’s going to turn them into calamari.

Back at the desk, Shaun and the Petty Officer re-enacted a scene for Clash of the Titans (!?) – “Brother, it is time for the mortals to pay. My child awaits your will.” “Release the Kraken!” Michael Ward appeared at the Kraken.

At the ABC Shop, there are a great range of tie-ins with popular ABC shows, including a 4 Corners Snow Dome and 320 gram pack of David Stratton beard trimmings. They need something to show the senate estimates committee!

Roz arrived on scooter with some breaking news, missing Tasmanian man Albert Duckworth has been located – in exactly the same pose as the police mannequin which had been setup for search for him. Roz won’t have any futher news on this.

A famous marriage was announced over this week, it was fun to watch, but seemed a bit wierd. It’s always going be hard when one party is more popular, has the power, and is part of a extremist cult. But was it Katie and Tom or The Greens and Labor?

It’s all about alligence, and even the Girl Guides have removed theirs to the queen and god. Josie Twinge reported on how it’s upset usually conservative monarchists, who have resorted to drive-bys on guide halls. Josie spoke to two guides in favour of the change – one who is a republican, the other who is a satanist. If Lord Baden Powell were alive today, he’d be alarmed at his state of decomposition.

Top of the Vox Pops this week: Should we put a cap on petrol tanks? One woman was upset that South Korea wanted to decimate the whale population – that was Japan’s job. And Nobby wouldn’t be poor if you paid him a million dollars.

Still on the countdown to the Olympics, Shaun spoke to Maggie Bathysphere again in the ABC sports commentary box. There’s been no interest in Wimbledon, since all the Australian’s are out, and all the information on the Tour de France comes via Maggie’s sister.

But the biggest news on the Olympics comes from a spat between two equestrian champions over the issue of preferential treatment in the qualification. What started as a pleasant conversation with Myfanwy, turned into an argument, and then a full scale fight right on the desk!

On the 43rd anniversary of man landing on the moon, Francis again spoke to William Duthie to get the Wisdom of the Elders. Bill had worked at the radio telescope in Parkes, but was surprised we as Australians had the ability to build a radio telescope, or even turn it on. He was more in-awe of the Americans. He advised on the movie The Dish – advised them not to make it, as the Americans looked not as ‘god like’ as they really were. Bill wishes he’d been born American, and had once even received an letter from Buzz Aldrin….’s solicitors.

Finally, what have we learnt from the faux electioneering of Gillard and Abbott? Abbott certainly has tried everything, from calming rodents, collecting wool, identifying the ground John Howard has walked on from the smell, and almost keeping his tongue in while sewing. While the Prime Minister has been meeting children… and meeting children.

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